And All the Kings Men

Narcissism is not a “leadership style”

When it comes to division in the Church, the enemy knows every trick in the book.

So, let's not think for a minute that any churchgoergoverning board member or baby-coddling nursery workermight be exempt from work-life politics and human-plagued impulses... including (but not limited to) the deceiving reflections we see in narcissism.

The following post is a heartfelt unfolding of some of the hushed-up pain, turmoil and neglect that can (often) fester beneath a sunlit, Sunday Service. For many, these first and secondhand experiences inside the brick-and-mortar makings of "church" can seriously muddle the hope they once had in Christ and His Church.

To see the Church being the opposite of what it was created to be... It's far more heartbreaking than Humpty Dumpty taking a fall... But it's not any less fragile.

The Church needs its horses right now. It needs its men. (And, of course its women, but let's not start on that just yet...) And it doesn't just need us in spiritbut in body, mind, and all-compassionate soul.

We can go on ignoring narcissism in the churchit's growing wave of collateral damageor, like Chuck DeGroat has chosen to do, "we can follow the way of Jesus through a painful wilderness into a better future," so that all our King's churches and all our King's men, just might be able to put our Christian siblings back together again.

Narcissism is not a “leadership style”

I had a sick, here-we-go-again feeling while reading Kate Shellnutt’s Feb 7 piece on the removal of Steve Timmis as leader of Acts 29. But what stopped me in my tracks was this paragraph late in the piece:

According to a copy of a 2015 letter sent to Acts 29 president Chandler and obtained by CT, five staff members based in the Dallas area described their new leader as “bullying,” “lacking humility,” “developing a culture of fear,” and “overly controlling beyond the bounds of Acts 29,” with examples spanning 19 pages.

Having been down this road before with Mark Driscoll and others, you might expect that the piece would continue, “After considering the report of the staff members, Chandler placed Timmis on leave pending an investigation of Timmis and his church culture.” We might expect some measure of sobriety given some painful history.

Instead, Kate writes:

During a meeting with Chandler and two board members to discuss the letter, all five were fired and asked to sign non-disclosure agreements as a condition of their severance packages. They were shocked.

And then, what follows is a line I’ve heard countless times in church planting assessments and in organizational consultations and staff reviews:

Chandler told CT that, at the time, he saw it as a clash in leadership styles, not as indicators of abuse.

Let me be crystal clear: bullying, controlling, and scaring are not characteristics of any “leadership style” I find worthy of “Christian” leadership. These descriptors do not remotely approach the character of a Jesus-following leader. These pastors described an abusive pastor and abusive culture. And because of this, Chandler will rightly be called to account for what transpired.

I want to emphasize what is so often overlooked:

Five Acts 29 staff members lives were unalterably changed because of this decision.

These are the pastors I often talk to on the other side of this predictable and abusive process of being silenced. Some have spouses and children. They all bear trauma in their bodies and brains. Sleeplessness. Paranoia. Shame. Rage. Indecision. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidal thoughts.

Some cope by jumping back in too soon, and others by too-much-drink.

A good many face financial hardship.

Some never pastor again.

Most lose relationships forged during their time serving the church.

All suffer profoundly.

For me, this is what hurts the most. I’ve sat with pastors like these in their quiet rage and cathartic tears and I can’t emphasize enough how lost and forgotten they feel.

So five years later, what does Acts 29 owe the pastors/families impacted by an abusive leader over the course of many, many years? What does it owe the wider network and the many pastors who serve with integrity and humility?

A first important step is to welcome in an outside investigator like GRACE. Many churches/networks conduct in-house investigations that perpetuate the same patterns of self-protection. That can’t happen here. Sadly, Acts 29 must face the reality that this history repeats itself too often, and must commit to ending this pattern of abuse. What if this network became known not just for its planting but for its commitment to thoroughgoing and systemic healing, reconciliation, and ongoing health?

To facilitate an effective investigation, all pastors fired should be released from their NDA’s immediately and invited to tell their stories. I can’t emphasize this enough – the culture of church NDA’s is vast and toxic, reaching beyond Acts 29 but often found in church planting contexts. We need to start talking about this phenomenon – why it exists and how it shows up in particular ecclesial contexts and who is harmed.

With this, and for the sake of transparency, the leaders of Acts 29 must welcome new information, however disruptive, unsettling, or embarrassing. In this process, Acts 29 needs to be ready to re-engage those hurt and harmed by abusive leadership, not merely with polite apologies but with reparation, if necessary. This should include commitments to support therapy and recovery. Each pastor’s story needs to be considered. This is painful and uncomfortable and timely, and so very necessary.

I emphasize this because while much of the attention in situations like these is focused on the leaders responsible, often with great fanfare and social media drama, the traumatized survivors of the abusive leader are often forgotten. We ignore how being fired impacts one’s mental health, livelihood, reputation, and more. These are men and women with names, image-bearers whose dignity was attacked.

Finally, I have friends who’ve planted and pastor Acts 29 churches. I’ve counseled Acts 29 pastors and led trainings. My friend Rich Plass has given years of effort to fostering emotional and spiritual health in this network. Some who’ve reached out to me are sick and confused and genuinely wondering if they can remain. I’m relentlessly hopeful, but serious deconstruction needs to happen before folks will trust again.

If you’re a leader in Acts 29, I appeal to you not to settle for a polite apology. For churches to heal from this epidemic of narcissism, all must walk toward the light once and for all, to tell stories, to speak truthfully, to listen patiently, to repent fully, to deconstruct fully. Don’t let phrases like “but God is doing so many good things” silence an honest appraisal of the dark shadow side of your network. I know no other path to transformation than through the dark night.

I’m hurting for you and praying for you. I don’t know the pastors who were fired, but tonight I’m particularly concerned for you. How are you caring for yourselves? How is trauma impacting your life, health and relationships? Who are you talking to? What do you need?

Follow the way of Jesus through a painful wilderness into a better future. — @ChuckDeGroat Click To Tweet I’m an outsider, but I’ve got a big heart for good friends across this network who are in pain and confused right now. So, do the hard work. Move toward those who’ve been hurt. Don’t settle for bandaids…subject yourself to major surgery, the cruciform way.

 

Chuck is a longtime pastor, therapist, and professor of pastoral care and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary (MI). His latest book, to be released March 17th, is born out of many years of experience – When Narcissism Comes to Church.
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About the author

Hey—I'm Jared. Along with my high-school honeybee turned wife, Michelle, we are parents to: Victory, Gemma and River—three children every bit as unique as their names. With friends and family by our sides, I want to travel through life merged onto God’s freeway. I want to hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit and—wise with ignorance—act upon them. I want to enter Heaven (one day) and hear a rousing of laughter—with me, not at me. Not for all the times I fell, but for every time He stood me back up and pushed me on... To boldly go where no Christian has agreed to go before… This is who and where I want to be... These are the kinds of stories I want to share.