Families; everyone has them. Some have strong family bonds, while others try their best to remain apathetic. Everyday activities and interactions influence a range of feelings—and how a family relates can greatly affect individual formation.

A good family relationship requires both teens and parents to expend some effort; it cannot be a one-way street. Parents need to be available; their involvement is essential to healthy relationships. If parents communicate well, and are clear about their expectations, these expectations become part of the foundation on which teens build their identity. These expectations can be positive or negative, and teens must choose to meet or reject them.

Siblings figure in to the equation as well. They can drive one another crazy or they can be role models and display methods of dealing with life that younger family members and peers would otherwise miss.

All these factors work together to create a complex family dynamic that serves as a home base for life in a confusing world.

Involvement crucial
Much of a child’s identity is shaped by his or her parents’ involvement in their lives, on both emotional and physical levels. Being physically reliable includes spending purposeful time with another person, providing active assistance and a simple loving touch when it is needed. It is easy to say the right words in hopes of encouraging a child, but carrying out acts of devotion shows a deeper level of commitment.

However, while parents can be very involved in their child’s life, the activity is useless without emotional connection. A parent may attend every game their child plays, but if this action is not followed by an emotional connection it may mean nothing to the child.

Emotional involvement provides the child assurance that, no matter what the circumstance, someone will be there. Parents can foster this connection by sharing good advice and taking the time to understand their child’s perspective.

On the other hand, a parent may be willing to talk to their child about anything, but if the child does not see action backed up the words—attendance at the game—conversations seem empty.

But what happens when teens just don’t seem to care about family affairs?

Almost every family on earth experiences tension between the generations. Parents often pour their energy into having quality time with their teens, but are disappointed and discouraged if the teens don’t reciprocate.

Teens will sometimes decide to have no part of the family, rejecting the effort made by their parents or siblings. Eventually family members tire of their fruitless endeavours…and who can blame them if they give up?

In such cases, the blame cannot be placed solely on the parents. Teens have a responsibility to invest in their families. Once teens decide to become active family members, rather than aloof spectators, change will most likely become evident. But it won’t be easy. Trying to find common ground is difficult for parents and teens in a world with changing environments and mixed messages.

However, both parties must seek a way forward. Strong relationships and family ties provide a firm foundation for young people.

Great expectations
Just as effort is essential in creating a positive family relationship, expectations also figure in the equation. How parents communicate expectations can profoundly affect a young person’s identity. Whether a teen has a good relationship with his or her family depends on how the teen is treated as an individual and what parental expectations are in place.

Some parents think pushing their children to succeed is best, when in reality they are simply pushing their children away. But when appropriate direction and support is given, the child becomes a confident individual.

Consider the story of Larissa, a Christian high school student in Edmonton.

“My parents never really expected me to do more than I could. If I tried my hardest and earned passing grades in chemistry; that was all they asked. My dad would often tell me that if I gave everything 100 per cent, he wouldn’t care about the mark I got because he knew I was trying.

“My parents always told me that I could do anything I wanted as long as I tried my hardest. I know that’s not true—I’ll never understand physics—but because of my parents’ encouragement I have a close relationship with them.”

Sibling examples
Siblings can also play a major role in a young person’s development.

Younger children sometimes mimic every move their older siblings make, whether positive or negative. This pattern will often continue until the mid-teens when adolescents begin to realize that they have identities separate from their siblings and begin to develop a mind of their own.

As children grow up, they begin to identify the difference between good and bad choices and how these choices can affect their lives in healthy or unhealthy ways. Teens can become disenchanted with their siblings when the siblings’ “perfect” image (that the young child wanted to emulate) is damaged.

Vanessa, another Edmonton high school student, shares her story.

“As the younger sister of two brothers, I have recognized how their choices and lifestyle have influenced me in my life. Some of their choices have influenced me in small ways such as my sense of style or my love for art and music.”

Some of their other choices have had a more dramatic effect. “One of my siblings ran away and eloped. The other one got mixed up with some people who negatively influenced his choices.

“Because of my brothers’ decisions, people are now watching me to see how I will turn out. I’ve gone from a little girl who always wanted to be like her siblings, to promising myself that I will never make the same decisions that they made. I have made some major alterations to my thinking, my style and to how I handle myself in order to remain independent and different from them.”

Parents and siblings must recognize that it is through different family roles that children are able to mature as individuals. The relationship between siblings can have many unforeseen twists and turns. “Hardly a day does by where we don’t fight or poke a little fun at each other,” says Vanessa. “Throughout the years I have definitely seen a change in the relationships between the three of us. We have finally begun to outgrow the all-about-me mentality and we have been able to focus on our family ties.”

Although teens often find it easy to disagree with, and even dislike, their siblings and parents, they’re all pieces of the sane family puzzle. Without each member, the puzzle is incomplete.

This article is a class project, written by Jill Boyko, Larissa Johnstone, Katie MacLean, Vanessa Mansell, Christy Naundorf, Serena Wildeboer. They are Grade 11 and 12 students at Strathcona Christian Academy in Edmonton, Alberta.