Woe Canada

Tim Callaway
Alberta Correspondent
alberta@christianweek.org

"Everybody knows that the war is over;
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed;
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That’s how it goes; Everybody knows
Everybody knows that the boat is leakin’;
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling;
Like their father or their dog just died"

—Leonard Cohen

I’m not sure just what the venerable Canadian poet/musician had in mind when he penned "Everybody Knows" back in 1988. What I do know is that his sentiments have repeatedly come to mind regarding the way certain things are in this country as summer 2004 prepares to make its exit.

As you probably know, we’re now debtfree here in Alberta. Sorry, you poor suckers living in places like Saskatchewan and Nova Scotia, that the price of potash and codfish hasn’t kept pace with that of oil and gas.

We Albertans believe it’s a sign of God’s special favour that we happen to dwell upon a dinosaur graveyard ripe with ample hydrocarbons. We also happen to believe that George Dubya is encountering more than he bargained for in Iraq so that God might bless our provincial treasury with more dough than we know what to do with.

What you may not know is that at $5.90 per hour, the minimum wage in Alberta remains the lowest of any jurisdiction in Canada. Meanwhile, several of our provincial cabinet ministers have indicated they’ll not stand for reelection in the general election anticipated sometime this fall.

Nonetheless, they’re more than happy to waddle over to the trough and snort down the millions due them in compensation for the wisdom they’ve displayed in ensuring that the price of oil has skyrocketed in recent years. Like they’ve had anything to do with it.

King Ralph and his lords have graciously indicated that starting in October—look for the election to be held some time in November—Alberta seniors will no longer have to pay healthcare premiums. Our Seniors Minister, Stan Woloshyn, says getting rid of the premium "is the right thing to do," which makes one wonder why Woloshyn and his ilk introduced health care premiums for seniors in the first place! Apparently morality, here in Alberta, is directly linked to commodity prices.

But, as a recent international jaunt reminded me, bizarre scenarios of what we tolerate in this country are not unique to Alberta politics.

I usually only travel Air Canuhduh when its absolutely necessary because incompetent leadership has been the name of that game for years now.

Witness three AC flights all departing Calgary Airport within a halfhour of each other for large U.S. centres. ’Duh has three ticket agents on duty. Only when the line of passengers reaches south Edmonton does Biff the supervisor summon help. By this time two of the flights are already delayed and the third is about to be.

If Air Canada goes bankrupt, it’s because it deserves to.

Once you reach airport security, it helps if you carry dictionaries in Mandarin and Farsi to distinguish what is being said to you. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, multicultural reducto ad absurdum now on display at Gate 28."

Upon returning to the Truth North once rumoured to be strong and free, I watched as five Canada Customs agents dealt with one little old lady, completely ignoring and tying up lines of tired travellers anxious to be on their way. Lesson? Watch out for little old ladies in airports, Canadians; carefully disguised terrorists is what they are.

I arrived home to pick up the newspaper and read about Canada Post CEO Andre Ouellet faxing his "I quit" to the feds after submitting and being paid for expense claims totalling $2 million. EXPENSES SANS RECEIPTS, for heaven’s sake!

Tell me, are we Canadians so intoxicated with our worldrenowned role as peacemakers that we’re now prepared to tolerate whatever the powersthatbe dole out?

It’s time we had enough selfrespect to cuff some of our political weasels upside the head and insist they make judicial omelette out of guys like Oulette.

Either that or we could all just conveniently forget to submit a few things come next April 30.