"This is the book you need to write next, Marg. I get calls every week from women who are so hurt and alone. The church doesn’t know how to touch this one."

No, those words did not come from my publisher, handing me a contract for a guaranteed bestseller. They came from a Christian radio talk show host. And unfortunately he’s right. The church doesn’t know how to touch this one. And worse yet, the men and women who call his station for prayer are the tip of the iceberg of pain and confusion that is out there.

These are people who are in the midst of a marriage crisis.

In fact, marriage itself is in crisis in our society. The venerable editor of this paper has called it "the devastating erosion of this important, godly institution."

The problem, some would say, is the current attempt to redefine marriage in our society to include gay couples. Others see the alarming divorce statistics as the real culprit.

The solution to this problem, then, appears to be simple. Marriage should be defined as one man and one woman together for life. The church and society should rally together to support, even enforce, the permanency of heterosexual unions.

Although not completely without merit, this is the wrong solution. Because you see, we have misunderstood the problem. The problem is not gay rights. The problem is not divorce.

The problem is marriage.

Biblical marriage is not primarily an institution. It is a relationship. God created Adam, placed him in paradise and said, "You have me. You have everything, Adam. I will meet all your needs."

Rewind. God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." Then He made Eve so that together they would meet each other’s deep human need for companionship. They were told to cleave, to procreate, to dominate. They would share their lives emotionally, physically, intellectually and practically. This is marriage.

In Matthew 18, Jesus reaffirms God’s plan in creating male and female for the purpose of uniting, joining together, becoming one flesh. This is marriage.

Paul and Peter go on to speak of mutual love, submission, consideration and respect as the characteristics of the relationship. This is marriage.

Marriage is a covenant of companionship.

The institution is only the context in which an exclusive loving relationship can flourish. The ceremony, the vows, the exchange of rings and the signing of papers are the North American way of providing a social contract to protect the real thing.

But we have become confused. Although giving a nod to the importance of relationship, the church is really pouring its energy into maintaining the outward framework. We are losing the battle for marriage because we are fighting the new developments in the cultural definition with an old cultural definition. We say we are being biblical. Often we are simply being very 1950s.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the social contract, as long as it contributes, rather than detracts from the real thing. And as long as we don’t confuse the two.

God knows we need to make a commitment, to Him, to each other and to our social network, to help us stick around and weather the storms.

So we promise to love and cherish, to respect and honour, "as long as we both shall live." Note that the last phrase is simply the timing. The commitment is to the companionship.

But the church continues to tell people they are married for life, no matter what. That they have made a promise to God. That divorce is not an option. That as long as the two bodies are in the same house, they can continue teaching Sunday school and serving on the deacon’s board.

Many of you sense that there is something profoundly wrong with the notion that God would sanction disrespect, manipulation and fear "until death do us part."

He does not.

Divorce does not end a marriage. In most cases, when somebody breaks the lock and opens the door to walk away, the marriage has been over for a long time. This is what most church leaders do not understand. So as the church in panic reinforces its anti-divorce campaign, people with marriage problems phone radio talk show hosts.

I expect to get letters. I’m sure I have touched a nerve. Go ahead and be mad at me. Or go ahead and tell me what’s it like to be lonely and afraid in your own home—to have your soul destroyed by the person closest to you, in the name of Christian marriage.

I’ll listen. I’ll pray. I understand.