Don’t treat apologies lightly

Tread carefully on road to reconciliation

An odd thing happened on the road to reconciliation. Somebody accepted a measure of blame, said “I’m sorry” and made a sincere effort to turn the situation around. But apologies are strange utterances—uncomfortable, unnatural, easily misunderstood and often ineffective.

In recent years the air has been thick with mea culpas, but “effective” expressions of regret and repentance are in short supply. What may work on the personal level becomes enormously complicated when it involves whole communities. What might helpfully be addressed in the here and now becomes exponentially more difficult when applied to historical grievances. Anyone who expects an apology to actually make amends is likely to believe in Santa Claus as well.

Ian Hunter spotlights the problem in his comment on the predicament of the Anglican Church of Canada, which has apologized for its role in running native residential schools. “The former students did not go away satisfied. Instead they went to their lawyers office,” says Hunter. “Each new apology served to make the church’s position more indefensible, and caused the damages to escalate.” The denomination is now in danger of losing property.

Bitter fruits

So how does a Christian community deal with an unsavory aspect of its past? Will an apology help to redress historical grievances? Can the sorrow and repentance of an individual Christian today help to sweeten the bitter fruits of injustice past?

The answer to these questions is yes, but success is far from automatic. The flip side is that failing to offer an apology when one is due will inevitably compound problems. If a cycle of retribution is ever to be broken, somebody somewhere must take ownership of what’s gone wrong. Those who choose to follow this path must be aware that there is no set formula and no guarantee of positive results. However, several principles do apply.

Get specific. Groups and individuals who accept a level of complicity in a historical misdeed should be prepared to offer an apology for what they have done wrong. But an effective mea culpa must provide enough detail so that it’s clear to all concerned exactly what an offender is taking responsibility for. Ambiguity gives rise to further misunderstanding. Specificity makes it possible to chip away at the barriers between people.

Check motivation. An effective apology must also be a motivated by an unfeigned desire to bridge a quarrel, end an enmity or cease a hostile relationship. It must be rooted in authentic zeal to do the right thing. Don’t anticipate a helpful response if the remorse is based on emotional reactions, bad history or bad theology. Pressurized apologies or cosmetic gestures do nothing to ensure future justice and ongoing reconciliation.

Prepare to pay the cost. A meaningful apology will almost certainly be tested, and the giver must be prepared to live with the practical implications of a confession of guilt. A just outcome to outstanding problems is likely to require either reparation or restitution. If that means accepting liability for damages, be prepared to pay. Words alone are rarely enough. Whatever can be done to ensure that wrongs are righted and not allowed to recur must be done.

Settle in for the long haul. The ultimate goal of a genuine apology is reconciliation. Apology-givers must be acutely aware that their action is but one step on a long, tortuous road. It is an important step to be sure. Without the confession of an apology, the possibility of forgiveness—the very hardest step toward reconciliation—is incredibly remote. Apologies entail risks that test the mettle of what it means to be Christian, for seeking to restore broken relationships is at the very heart of the gospel message.

So yes, swallow the bitter pill, count the cost, brave the losses and extend the kind of apology that creates an opportunity for forgiveness to happen. Uncomfortable? Very. Unnatural? The way of the world is to secure one’s self-interest. But the Bible talks about turning the other cheek. Easily misunderstood and often ineffective? Sadly, yes. Apologies are difficult, costly—and all-too-often necessary.