Recovering from the tragedy of Ashley Madison
Leading Christian marriage and sex therapist: “not the time to throw stones”
TORONTO, ON—The Ashley Madison scandal has been one of the most highly publicized hacking cases of the 21st century. The social ramifications have been catastrophic, and the clamour of voices can be heard, if not inferred, in homes where families are falling apart and in a society that loves to cast judgement on wrong-doers—especially when these wrong-doers just so happen to be professing Christians.
Society has been quick to lambast Josh Duggar, a conservative Christian TV celebrity, and viral Christian vlogger, Sam Rader, for being users of the adultery website. If the odds are right, there will be some lesser-known Christians—including church leaders—who have made the infamous list.
Church leadership expert Ed Stetzer, estimates on his Christianity Today blog, that at least 400 church leaders resigned this past week in response to their adultery—or intention to commit adultery—being made public.
How are Christians to respond? Especially when “our own” have been exposed?
“This is not the time to throw stones or feel prideful just because you don’t think you could ever be in a similar situation where selfishness and vulnerability caused you to put your home and happiness at risk…because you could,” says Marion Goertz, director of the Tyndale Family Life Centre, a counselling service of Tyndale University College & Seminary. “Rather if you are made aware that someone close to you has been impacted by this breach, be ready to listen in ways that are supportive and non-judgmental.”
Goertz, who is also one of Canada’s leading marriage, family and sex therapists, and is frequently quoted in popular magazines, such as Chateline and Canadian Living, urges family members to try and not take sides, except in cases of mental illness, including serial infidelity.
“A couple can each take about 50 per cent of the credit for what state their marriage and family are in," she says.
With its controversial slogan, “Life is short. Have an affair,” the Ashely Madison website has angered many who believe in God and family values. But Goertz’s reaction has taken the form of sadness and pity, rather than outrage.
“My reaction is one of sadness regarding those who will be motivated by dissatisfaction with their lives to buy into this short-term solution to their angst; it has such a ring of desperation to it. What a bleak commentary on one’s understanding of the blessings and opportunities of life and an individual’s place and purpose in it.”
Even though this is a tragedy for many families, Goertz says it also presents an opportunity for families to openly talk about their relationships and what it means to be human.
“It’s a great reminder that we as human are just as apt to act out in our stress as we are to talk through our stress. If older children raise questions about what Ashley Madison is all about, it might be an opportunity to talk about the pain of broken trust and the sadness for everyone when a house is divided and a home is torn apart.”
Goertz urges families to frame the discussion around human culpability and vulnerability, as opposed to human wickedness. Open communication, too, is crucial. “Affirm the fact that homes and heart connections are strengthened when communication is open, honest and candid and the tough stuff is regularly addressed," she says.
It can be a long and arduous road ahead for families to recover from infidelity. Goertz offers some practical steps to move forward.
Address the issue, likely with the help of an impartial and trusted third party, so that both sides are heard and there is clarification regarding the intentions and commitments of both parties to move forward or to move apart.
Both adults should get medical checkups to ensure that future shared intimacy going forward isn’t putting the health of both partners at risk.
Leave the kids out of it until the adults have gained composure and a plan is in place to move forward, together.
“The discovery of infidelity doesn’t always have to mean the end of a relationship, though sometimes it is healthier for both parties to have some time apart,” explains Goertz. “Just as often it can force a couple to get down to the business of addressing issues, tackling unhealthy patterns of resolving conflict or sharing intimacy, allowing them to begin again, not with a new partner, but with a new relationship with their existing partner.”
In other words, there is hope for married couples to move forward and recover from the shock and pain of Ashley Madison.
A new relationship is possible, says Goertz, “one that couples can co-create, beginning with a foundation of honesty, integrity, generosity and kindness, resulting in a healthier, happier bond for both.”
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