Can quarreling build healthy relationships?

Seeking balance in the sometimes unbalanced world of marriage

By Susanne Cardwell and ChristianWeek | April 27, 2016

Does quarreling build healthy relationships? The Bible doesn't seem to suggest so. For instance, in Proverbs 19:13 it says that "a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof." And, in Proverbs 17:19 it reads, "Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin."

However, psychologist John Gottman in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, argues that working out issues through quarrels can build healthy relationships.

But what amount of arguing creates long-lasting relationships?

Depends on you and your partners style of arguing. You and your partner want to match your style of arguing, whether volatile, avoidant, or validating, according to Gottman. Without this match, marital discord looms.

Gottman also insists you keep the positive-to-negative communications around 5 to 1 as too much quarreling or too little can lead to imbalance.

However, arguing strikes me as anti-spiritual.

As God's love, according to Exodus 34:6, proves "slow to anger," shouldn't we too strive for patient communication with the ones we love?

Giving his nod, Gottman says arguing works best when toned down in the form of complaints. Complaints sound like this: "I feel [emotion] when you [action]."

Personally, I tend to avoid complaints altogether. My boyfriend loves harmony and peace. He goes about life with a constant smile and a twinkle in his eye. He reads people with the empathy of a saint, so his company feels like a sunny day on a sparkling ocean.

Yet, on a rare occasion, I need to express a concern. As psychology books say, withheld feelings can lead to anxiety, and my multi-year battle with anxiety ended half a year ago. To prevent a relapse, I express my rare complaint in the form of "I feel [non-blaming emotion] because I have a need for [non-blaming need]." This approach I learned from psychologist Marshall Rosenberg's curriculum called non-violent communication.

And, I have never expressed a criticism of my partner—no name calling and no character attacks. Gottman says couples need to avoid the sins of criticisms, defensiveness, or silent treatments.

So, what do you do when quarrels arise? Gottman says to calm down, let go of defensiveness, and validate your partner.

According to Gottman, validating can include words like "I see" or "Yes" or "Mm-hmm"—even if you don't agree. Validating also includes paraphrasing your spouse's request and listening without rebuttal.

If you feel defensive, Gottman says, instead of sulking or silence, praise and admire your spouse. After all, Ephesians 5:33 teaches, "each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

While Gottman says quarreling can be healthy, I believe the overall witness of scripture would disagree. If complaints do arise, bless your marriage with Rosenberg's nonviolent communication, Gottman's validation, admiration, and praise—and God's love for harmony.